Turbulent waters crash and weather the rocks that have held the breakwater solid for years.
I refuse to yield. Call it pride, call it immaturity, call it whatever you want to. I feel like it has been that way or the highway, and I've had to ride the highway for months now. I don't really care to repair what's broken. Does it sadden me? Of course. Anything that was whole but now broken always saddens me. But I have no room for being soft. To survive, I have to stay strong and not let emotions come into play.
However, I shan't deny what I'm feeling, as that is sweeping things under the rug. I have to air it out, even if there is nobody to acknowledge these emotions. At least by putting it down here, I'm able to vent. Who cares if my audience are a bunch of 1's and 0's?
So this feeling of loneliness, of me going solo against the world, of having no support in this daily polite war I have to wage... it fucking sucks. To be denied, because I don't have a partner who will stand up for me against the force and make things right... it fucking sucks. To run around and hide in the shadows like cowards in search of the easiest way out... it fucking sucks. To not have a partner that will drop everything with spontaneity and embrace the unknown with me... it fucking sucks.
Stability sucks, but uncertainty possibly sucks even more. Living day to day, hanging by a thread, not knowing what other curve balls life is going to throw me.
Friends dropping off like flies. Family members getting old and sick and dropping off like flies. Years of friendship, betrayed and tossed out of the window like a dead fly. 7 years spent with a partner building a future, only to have that flimsy house of cards collapse within weeks. Energy put into creating a home, a life, a unit... all that gone. My wrinkle poofball now out of my hands. I have nothing. And yet, I feel like I've had to pay for everything I've done, with no results to show.
Everyone assumes I'm fine. I tell myself I'll be fine. I'm tired of lying to myself, on top of lying to everyone else.
A choice has to be made. Something has to change. Can I hold out for a few more months?
Waking up and coming to work everyday is an ordeal. To put on a mask, it fucking kills me from inside out. I feel suffocated, I need air. I don't know if this is the right choice for me, but I don't know what else to do. I don't have anyone to talk to.
I've always lived for momentary happiness. I get such brilliant flashes of happiness everyday, but these moments are always surrounded by dark clouds just waiting to engulf me when I have a moment alone with my head. I need happy pills. I'm so tired of this. As a human being, I feel all dried up, with nothing left to offer the God of tears. I wish I could though. Crying is cathartic, but I have no relief from this pain.
Perhaps my emotions are being manifested in my physical pain. If the back is the pillar of support for the human body, that makes perfect sense that my back is in constant pain. I'm just all bunched up with nowhere to go.
This is such a senseless rant. I'm walking around in circles, chasing my own tail, trying to talk sense to a brain that refuses to act upon this conundrum.
I have no allegiance to the force. I could wreck it. And wreck my future here. Do I take my chances? If I only knew that my partner would be willing to stand by me and do this with me, I would. But I have no partner. I'm just alone in this war.
I need to fight my own battles. Again. As Always.
Dez, you come off as a social creature, but really, you're just a lone wolf having to battle the elements on your own.
Be strong, and go forth. You've done this all your life. You do not need help. Anyone you let into your life has the potential to weaken you and hurt you. You don't need them. Use them, and move on. Hurt them before they hurt you. You need to revert back to the warrior you once were. You've become soft, and that's not conducive for the situation you are in now. You have to bulldoze your way through this time, and when you emerge from the dust... You will be a stronger soul.
Fuck them all.
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